I am puke
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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