Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
