Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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