i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
