Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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