nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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