it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
