sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
