If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
this is an emotional support booty call
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
