the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
