i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
