Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
