i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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