Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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