so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
