Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
