she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
