I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Who put my cat in the fridge?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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