mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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