i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
