Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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