im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
