I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
