He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
