Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The Olympian is in my bed
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
