My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
how drunk are you?
Several
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
