ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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