last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
