Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
