This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
