i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
