i need an iv and a liver transplant
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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