this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize