I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
