I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My nipple is on Facebook.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize