True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
