I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
