I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
