i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
