I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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