I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
