So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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