I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
