I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize