I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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