remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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