I got chris browned last night
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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