hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i out mim tonsoeep
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