Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
