Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
as a side note pls kill me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
