My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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