Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
