How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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