Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
