I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
