I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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