you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
