I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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