Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I wish there were birth control emojis
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
