I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
