Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
